But I Don't Believe
by BatmanLoonaticsFan96
Summary: "If only" are words that heroes aren't allowed. But heroes should be allowed happy endings. They never are.


Just some thoughts I believe might have come to our heroine's mind. And a way to air out some angst from re-watching the series. Enjoy. :`

But I Don't Believe

I used to dream of a world where I was never chosen. I used to dream that the life I was living was nothing more than a nightmare and I was still safe and happy in LA. I used to imagine that there was no such thing as vampires and Slayers and Watchers and demons. I would have never met a man named Merrick. I never would have been called to face the forces of darkness. I would never have been hunted by a monster named Lothos and forced to burn down the school gym and moved to Sunnydale "Hell-Mouth," California. I would have simply stayed Buffy the cheerleader for the rest of my life, blissfully clueless that the shadows have eyes.

But as time went by, that dream stopped being so comfortable a retreat. I still sometimes had it, but I knew there would be things I missed. If I had never moved to Sunnydale, I would never have met Willow or Xander or Giles, I would never have had Dawn…I would never have known you. Much as I might wish I didn't live, let alone thrive, in a world of monsters and blood, I also wouldn't want to lose all the people I care about in exchange. So things changed.

Now I dream of a world with happy endings. I dream of a world where the hero really does get everything rather than lose it all. It all starts when I dream that Dawn really was always there. I might have complained and pushed and even wished I wasn't stuck with her, but it would be nice if I'd always had a sister I loved rather than shoehorned-in memories I can't even trust. Maybe then she wouldn't have been the Key at all, wouldn't have been in danger when Glory came to town. Maybe I wouldn't have had to die a second time.

Fitting, since the second part of my dream is not dying the first time. Ironically, that's the part I least care about. If I hadn't died, I would've been spared three months of anger and fear and feelings I wouldn't have had words for or even reason for in my old life. But I also would've stayed alone in my calling, no Kendra or Faith to lend a hand. True, then Kendra would've lived a little longer and Faith wouldn't have been pushed over the edge so many times, but wasn't my five minutes of death the very thing we needed to cheat that prophecy and defeat the Master for good? My second death I could wish away, but not the first.

So instead I dream of a world where _you_ never died. I dream sometimes that you were always how I originally saw you—a heroic, lonely hunter, distant and stoic and brave but _human_. Then sometimes I dream that your curse was always permanent and we wouldn't have been put through so much when we fell in love. Mostly I dream that Jenny was able to perform the second curse for herself, safe in a home you weren't invited into, and she and Giles could have been happy together when she gave you back to me. When I remember I can't have any of that, I try to imagine Willow was able to do the curse herself just five minutes earlier, to turn you back before it was too late to save the world without sacrificing you. I dream my summer of isolation and grief could have been spent with you, finding a way around the curse until the time came it couldn't stand in our way anymore. At least that way, when you did have to go, it wouldn't have been forever and there still would've been a chance for us. It would've spared us both a lot of heartbreak, huh?

I dream of so many things once I've started. I dream of a world where all our friends were spared the pain they endured—Doyle lived and fell in love with Cordelia, Tara survived and stayed with Willow, Xander wasn't forced to leave Anya. I dream of a world where our families weren't snatched away from us—Mom recovered and Connor wasn't…well, everything. I dream of a world where no one, especially the people we care about, would be beyond our ability to help; where Willow, Anya, and Andrew didn't have to become killers to find where they belonged; where Wesley and Fred and Cordelia and Anya are alive.

…I dream of a world where what you did for me during the First War was enough to give you the reward you so richly deserve, so long ago _earned_, and make that one good prophecy come true. You really would be human then, the worst of it over, no need to join the enemy. I could have properly stepped down, so many new Slayers to take my place, and made a life with you while Spike took your place in the whole "good vampire" department. We could have been free and happy and _ourselves_, maybe even gone so far as to have a family of our own someday. But it wasn't enough. And it never would be.

It's unfair, all we've endured. But it's even more ironic that in a world where myths and legends and fairy tales themselves are real, the one thing that doesn't exist is happy endings. We might want one, but it doesn't come, no matter how hard you look for it, how hard you fight to get it. It seems the more you search, the farther away it gets. Every time things seem brightest, the darkness rushes to catch up. I would say it was the Balance at work if I hadn't broken it so much. No, we can spend centuries trying to find it, but the only happy ending we'll ever know is after the end. One day, when my fight truly is over, I'll go back to my grave and find peace and that'll be the closest I ever come. Until one day, far off into the future, you and everyone else I love joins me there. I wish I could say that would be enough.

So I keep dreaming of the world of happy endings. I wish for it all I want.

But I don't believe.


End file.
